


Our poor bleeding hearts

by where_shadow_plays



Series: Cold Hearts [4]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Developing Relationship, Drug Use, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Past Drug Use, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 18:18:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10622454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/where_shadow_plays/pseuds/where_shadow_plays
Summary: Alice and Negan finally confess what from the past made them the way they are now





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear." - Stephen King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New story for my Cold Hearts series.
> 
> Songs used in this chapter:  
> Peggy Lee-Johnny Guitar  
> Frank Sinatra- Blue Moon  
> (I ripped of FalloutNewVegas soundtrack)
> 
> DISCLAMER:This work of fiction is base on a story and character created by creators, producers, writers etc of "WALKING DEAD" TV series and the comic books, with exception of my few original characters. No money is being made and no copyright or infringement is intended.

Negan was walking around the compound, he was pissed and worried at the same time, he was trying to reach Alice thought the radio for the last half an hour but to no avail, he went to check on her in her room but didn't find her, he went to Daryl's cell thinking she might be there chatting him up but Dwight told him he haven't seen her that entire day, even Simon didn't know where she might be.  
This was strange, she would never be too far away from her radio, the worst thoughts were coming to his mind, if she is hurt someone will pay dearly for it and if she is fine she will pay dearly for it, ' _who does she think she is, making him worry like that,'_ either way, he was out for blood.  
He just walked in the big hall where common people would usually trade, if anyone saw her then someone from there did, those people were like rats, everywhere and nowhere at the same time, when the sound of a guitar made him stop, he looked down and saw no one was kneeling, no one was even looking at his direction, he leaned on the stair rails trying to pinpoint the source of the sound, and then he saw her.  
Alice was on one of the unused beads sitting in the concern, she was wearing her military baggy jeans, black tank top, her hair was tied up in a high messy bun, her face shield was around her neck, she was holding black acoustic guitar and singing.  
Negan came down the stairs and was now standing on the resting spot looking at the group but not making a sound, lost within the melody of her soft voice, ' _how can someone with the voice of angels, be capable of things that would make devil feel ashamed.'_

 _..._  
_"…Play the guitar, play it again, my Johnny…..Maybe you're cold but you're so warm inside…..I was always a fool for my Johnny…For the one, they call Johnny Guitar…Play it again, Johnny Guitar…."_

When she was done everybody started clapping their hands and that made her smile wider than ever, with little wrinkle forming around her eyes that were glowing from happiness.  
Negan just stood there for a long moment admiring the view, he would love to let them be and just watch them in silence but the problem was he could never stay quiet for long, so he started to clap a bit louder than everyone else trying to get everybody's attention.  
"Bravo! Bravo, doll, that was amazing."

Everybody turned around and saw him standing there with a big smile on his face, all of the sudden the room was filled with tension and everyone was kneeling, even Alice, waiting for him to lecture them or punish them for not noticing him sooner. He got down the rest of the stairs and walked past them all, coming to the place where Alice was and popping himself on the bed while taking a guitar that was now sitting there and placing it on his lap.

"Ok, everyone, you can get up now. I just came to enjoy the show…I've been looking for you everywhere doll, you got me worried sick."  
"Fuck, sorry boss, shit, I left my stuff where I found this thing… I ...fuck...Sorry… Was it something important?"  
"Relax doll it was nothing I just missed you. Come sit with me," he tapped the place beside him, she came at his side, he took a guitar from his lap and handed it to her.  
"I didn't know you could play doll."  
"My brother thought me, saying I need at least one skill that doesn't involve shooting things."  
"Hahaha, you brother was a smart man."  
"Yeah, he was," her face fell; she was looking at the little boy that was sitting on the floor near the bed and looking up at them, he was the only one sitting that near, being too young to know what fear is.  
Negan reached for him and placed him on his lap, starting to make giggling noises and funny faces, a boy started laughing, grabbing him by the nose and pulling on his beard.

"God damn it, I really need to shave this shit," he told her with a grimace of pain on his face. "Play something for us, doll, and I will forgive you for making me worried sick."  
"As you say, boss," Alice gave him a military greeting and started to play

_'…Blue moon….You saw me standing alone….Without a dream in my heart….Without a love of my own….Blue moon….You knew just what I was there for…..You heard me saying a prayer for…Someone I really could care for...And then there suddenly appeared before me...The only one my arms will hold...I heard somebody whisper please adore me...And when I looked to the moon it turned to gold...Blue moon...Now I'm no longer alone...Without a dream in my heart...Without a love of my own...'_

They were like that for an hour, she was playing anything she could think of and Negan was sitting on the bed looking at the way her fingers moved and before they knew it, it was time for dinner, the group sitting around them just dispersed. Thin, pale woman slowly approached them, looking at the ground and mumbling something they couldn't make out.  
"You will have to speak up, woman, I can't fucking hear you," Negan told her while leaning closer, with his left ear first and placing a hand behind his earlobe.  
"The…the boy... it's my son. I need to feed him."  
"Oh, that, well why don't you say so, here take him," Negan lifted a boy up and gave him to his mother, calling for one of his men to come closer.  
"Give this kid and this lady here some fresh fruit and clean clothing and make sure it is done I will check on it later," the man bowed and lead the boy and his mother in the direction of the kitchen.

"Will you keep that thing doll?", he now turned to Alice who was caressing the smooth surface of the guitar not paying attention to what was going on around her.  
"If no one wants it," she shrugged her shoulders, trying to make it look like she didn't particularly care for the instrument.  
"Well even if they did, they would have to out-play you first with me being a judge. Now, I won't say I would play favorites, but you know me doll…"  
"You can never say no to a beautiful woman."  
"Haha, damn right, I can't."  
"And what if a woman challenges me and she is prettier than me?"  
"C'mon doll, that is fucking impossible."  
"Smooth boss, very smooth… ok, then I will keep it."  
Negan stood up, extending his hand to her, she took it and he pulled her up, wrapping his arm around her waist.  
"Want to have dinner with me, doll?"  
"Sure boss."

They went up to her room so she could leave her backpack and guitar and then they went to his room, he took a seat on the sofa while Alice was sitting in one of the new armchairs he got from Alexandria yesterday and replaced the other sofa with them. They fitted nicely with the interior and gave the visitors a bit more privacy.  
Not long after Misha came, wearing a thigh red dress with a wide smile on her face, a smile that fell the moment she saw Alice sitting there.  
Alice waved at her with a smirk on her face, enjoying every second of woman's reaction to her intruding her private hours with her 'husband'.  
"Misha, be a lamb and get us something to eat and make it nice, also a lot of fruit and a bottle of Whiskey and some Rum," Negan told her practically oblivious to the way she reacted to Alice, "anything special you want, doll?"  
"No boss, it's fine."  
"Ok, then that will be all, you may go," Misha bowed her head and left them.

Alice was sitting there looking at the sun setting behind the horizon, letting her mind run freely to the places she didn't let it wander for a long, long time. Negan was looking at her quietly, not wanting to break her concentration, he had a feeling something important was on her mind and she needs time to process it and maybe, just maybe, let it break her walls and come to this side of reality for him to witness it, for the first time ever.

About ten minutes after Misha came back, bringing them scrambled eggs with beckon, some fruit and then leaving just to come back five minutes after with a bottle of Whiskey and a Rum.  
"Thank you, sweetheart, now please leave us alone, and tell everyone not to disturb us, unless this fucking place is on fire," Negan told her while getting up and taking two clean glasses from a bar and bringing it to the table. Misha just bowed her head and left them, closing to doors behind her.

"Want some Rum, doll?", Alice snapped out of the thought, looking at Negan and two bottles of liquor now resting on the table.  
"Would you mind I take some Whiskey this time?", Negan raised his eyebrows at her and then just smiled.  
"Of course I wouldn't mind doll," he poured her a glass and started to eat his dinner.  
She took a glass from a table and held it with both of her hands, resting it on her lap; she was looking at the glass, shifting it slowly in the circle and watching how the liquid played around its edges.

"This was my father's favorite drink, you know? Every night he would sit on the front porch of our home, reading a book or cleaning his gun and drinking it. Every night, one single glass, no more, no less," she looked up at Negan who now stopped eating and gave him the weakest smile he ever saw on her. He wanted to say something but didn't know what, one wrong word and the doors that finally started opening will be closed shut again, to remain like that forever.

Thankfully she didn't wait for him to break the silence; she did it for him, turning to look at the sky that was now completely deprived of the sunlight, "I wasn't always like this, you know? I mean I was always a bit different but I wasn't always like this."  
He took a sip of his own drink, cocking his head to the side, furrowing his eyebrows,  
"Like what doll?", he asked her because he was now genuinely confused with what she was referring to.  
"You know, all kuku in the head and shit."  
"Fuck, doll, I don't think you are crazy, a bit strange, yeah, but not crazy."

She started to laugh at him, covering her mouth with her hand, "it is ok Negan I know how I am. But that was not what I was aiming at," she sighed looking down at the glass and emptying it in one long sip.  
"I was a strange child, that much is true," she continued, "well, I can blame that on being the first child, daddy's little princess. By the time my brother came to this word and that was only two years after, I took that throne and held it so tightly that even a cute little baby couldn't take it away from me. And believe me he tried, every night, he would cry on and on and on just to get some attention and mom gave it to him, but my father's love was only for me. I was always a selfish bitch what can I say. I remember one night I was sitting with my dad on the porch he was cleaning his gun and I was watching him, asking him everything that would pop to my mind when my brother started to cry his lounges out, my mother shouted from the other side of the house for my dad to go and see what's wrong and I yell at her, telling her that, that it's her baby and that she should take care of it and that we have important business to attend to and that we don't have time for baby bullshit. I wasn't allowed out of the house for a week after that, but man, it was worth it," Negan laughed at that, shaking his head and burying himself in the sofa.

Alice took a bit of pause taking a piece of bacon from her plate and eating it, Negan didn't say the word, giving her a signal that he would like to hear the rest of her story.  
"My mother was a vegan and my dad was a huge meat lover, my mother was something like a flower child you now, love, compassion and all that shit can cure the world, man, was she wrong, she would be fucking pissed at the work we are doing here. My dad, he was a retired military man,tall, strict, proud, he loved his country and would give his life fighting for it without a second thought, how those two made it work I think not one God knows. When I turned seven my father bought me my first bow, well I wanted a gun because by then I already knew everything there is to know about guns, but my mother was against it and the government and my father, something about me being too young. Can you believe that shit?", she puffed some air out shaking her head and taking a mouthful of her eggs.

"Anyway, by the time I was ten I had at least twenty gold medals from all kinds of competition they were dragging me to. I really didn't care for that, but my father was so proud of me I couldn't just say no, it would have broken his heart, so I went along, as much as I was pissed with getting a bow before, till that time I loved it more than anything in this world. I was twelve by the time my father let me use one of his guns, oh man, I don't have to tell you, my mother was fucking pissed, she didn't talk to us for a week, but I didn't really mind, no one ever talked to me, in school there were maybe two or three people that I could call something like friends. So you see, boss, for a good part of it, my childhood was nice and peachy until everything went to shit," her face now darkened, she poured herself another glass, tugging it down in one sip and looking at Negan.

He was sitting there silently listening when he saw her change her mood, she was now looking down at the empty glass and spoke with a voice few tones darker than a minute before…  
"It was all because I was stupid, I should have died that day not him," Negan flinched at that seeing where it is going and wanting to stop her but knowing that this is something that needs to get out and by the way she was handling it, it looked like this is the first and the last time this truth will ever see the light of the day.

"I was stupid girl, about fourteen or fifteen years old, fuck I don't ever remember anymore," she chuckled at that, wiping away single tear that escaped her, "we had a lake house, that weekend I wanted to go there, I had a huge crush on one of the boys from a town nearby, Drake, he had a pickup up truck, bunch of tattoos, real bad boy and shit, he looked like a dream come truth, but my brother got sick, chicken pokes, I was sooo mad at him… _'how does he dare intervene with my plans'_ , I thought to myself. So I lied to my dad that I wanted to spend a weekend with him, you know fishing and shooting bottles and he fell right into my trap, how can he say 'no' to his little princess, so my mom stayed with my brother, with great protest by the way and we left," she paused there, looking at Negan and sighting.  
"Why am I telling you this, like you would want to hear it? I am sorry, you probably wanted relaxing evening and here I am pouring my pathetic story all over you," she took a sip of her drink, "I should probably leave."  
She stood up getting ready to go, when Negan grabbed her by her wrist swinging her around and pulling her closer to himself, "you won't leave now, you started this story and you will end it. Yes, I wanted relaxing evening but I also wanted to know more about you ever since you came here. I need to know the woman behind this charade you put up for the rest of the world. I didn't want to make you talk, but now that you started on your own, you are going to fucking finish it even if I have to make you do that."

Negan didn't want to force this on her, but he saw she needed to get it out of her system and that she was only now chickening out, that was not something she did and he would not accept her doing it now.  
Alice sighed, sitting back in her previous position and taking another shot of whiskey, she looked up at him, "so you want to hear a story about how I killed my father, ok then buckle up boss, this is going to be one hell of a ride," she told him with voice full of hate.

Negan looked at her not sure was that hate directed at him or at her own past, but it didn't matter now, he went back to his spot on the sofa, pouring them each a glass of whiskey and preparing to hear the rest of her story.

"We were at the lake house before the sun even set down, my dad was drinking his whiskey and cleaning a gun he had there, while he was distracted I sneaked out and went to meet up with Drake, he promised me one hell of a ride, and man, he was right, from the moment I got into his fucking truck to this day I feel like I am living Dante's nightmare, riding through all circles of hell with things and torments only getting worst. That night we got stoned and I lost my virginity to him. Hahaha, what a fucking cliche, right? I lost track of time and got home maybe a little before the dawn. My dad was there waiting for me on the same spot I left him, his eyes were full of tears, he thought I drowned or something, he was fucking furious when he saw me in the state I was. We got into a huge fight, the first and the last one in our lives, I told him I hated him, that I wanted to come only to be with Drake, not him, that he is stupid to think I wanted to fish and shoot some pathetic bottles with some old man. At that moment his face twisted, I saw it then man, I broke his heart, I fucking broke his heart. I stormed past him, didn't even want to look him in the eyes, just left him there to stand and watch as his princess turns her back on him. He went swimming that morning, he did that whenever he was angry or nervous or when he just needed to think, he would be gone for an hour or two and then come back like a new man but that time he never returned," she stopped there, looking at her nails and then brought her hand through her hair, untying her bun and looked up at Negan, with eyes full of tears but not one escaped her.

"They found him, a day later, on the other side of the lake, he got a heart attack while he was swimming and drowned," she smiled weakly, "you see, man, I broke his heart that morning and he died. The only person I had in this fucking world that loved me and I killed him with a single sentence. Now, how fucked up is that shit? You are not supposed to be able to do something like that, man."

Negan was looking at her, not sure what to say, she was blaming herself for something she did not have any control over, even if he told her that it is not her fault, he knew that would be something she probably heard too many times already and never believed it.

"But you had your mother and brother, they didn't love you?",he finally spoke, trying to get around the awkward silence.  
She looked at him and smiled, "oh, they adored me, their little pet project, the screw up to be fixed. After my dad died I didn't speak for month or two, my mother dragged me to all kinds of therapy but nothing worked. First time I spoke was with the man named John, he was our family friend, served with my dad. He talked about the days when they were young and all the crazy shit they did, that was the first time I learned that my dad was kind of a bad boy, he almost went to jail because he beat up some rich guy's son, that's when he signed up. John told me that it was the only reason they both signed up, never thinking that they will find themselves in the military. He talked for hours and when he would get to the most interesting parts, that fucker would just stop talking, waiting for me to ask him to continue," Alice smiled at the memory.

"He was the one that thought my brother to play guitar, the song I played when you came to find me today was actually a first song my brother thought me. I loved it, it always reminded me of John, he died six years after my dad, from cancer, by that time I was a long way from home and everyone I knew. I didn't even say goodbye to him, but he wasn't the first to whom I did that and he certainly was not last."

She reached for an orange sitting on the table with the rest of the fruit and started pilling it, concentrated on the task.  
"My mother never blamed me for what happened to my dad nor did my brother, but it didn't matter I blamed myself, I still do. When I turned eighteen I left my home, going nowhere, I just packed my things and left, I found a job in a little PC shop, in a god forgotten town, about ten hour drive from my hometown, there I learned how to fix computers and stuff and started to actually earn pretty money, living on my own, but I was drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around, anything to dull the pain, so I lost that job, never got the new one. I would fix things for people and they would pay me, even got some social help after I was diagnosed with PTSD, now that my man was a bunch of horse shit, but hey I took the money, not my fault they were stupid. I would talk to my brother from time to time, never going home, I didn't fit there anymore, my mother and brother were people of peace and I was a child of war, made in the image of my Dad. I got in all sort of trouble, I had money yeah but not enough, never enough, so I started running around with gangs, robbing shit and people, just so I can fix myself up real nicely and forget, I couldn't sleep without being drunk or drugged, every time I would close my eyes the image of my dad's face when I left him that morning was coming back to me. It was like every good memory I had of him and my life before was just wiped away and replaced with that single image, it was a nightmare, "she shook her head looking down.

"Didn't the doctors gave you some kind of pills or something?", Negan finally asked, this was not the story he was expecting to hear, he knew that she had a bit of fucked up history before the apocalypse, even a fool would see it but he would be lying if he said that this was a story he expected to hear.

"Oh, yeah, they did", she continued not looking at him but turning her head towards the window again. "They gave me all kinds of shit, I never took them, I preferred to know what kind of drug I was taking and they were just too vague when I asked them."  
"What exactly did you ask them?"  
"Well you know, what kind of drug is it? Will it make me just sleepy and slow or pump me up with adrenaline? Will I know who am I fucking if I take it before sex, will I remember it afterward? You know the regular question. "  
"Hahaha, doll, people don't normally ask them that."  
"Yeah, I figured that one out too late. Anyway, they told me I will remember everything I did and not to worry. So I never took them, I was doing all that shit to forget not remember," she told him with a faint smile on her face.

"Anyway, I was around twenty-three when I hit a rock bottom, I didn't have any money, the police was on us, so I pawned my childhood bow, the one thing I had left from my past life, the same bow my dad gave to me," she now looked at him, searching his face for some signs of judgment or disgust, but there was none to be found, just the same sad look he was giving her that entire evening.

"That night I came home, and looked at the stuff I bought for that money, I broke down, that was the first time in eight years I cried and the last time to this day. I took everything I got and injected it into my veins, trying to silence the memories. I started to lose my conscience when some instinct kick in, I didn't want to die, fuck, I wanted to live, I didn't know why but I wanted to live so fucking much. I somehow got up and went outside my apartment banging at my neighbor's door, when the old woman opened up I fell into her arms, crying, telling her I don't want to die but I will if someone doesn't help me. She called 911, and next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital room, alone, with no one to call, with no one who cared, that was the moment I realized I needed to change. I went to the rehab and was clean ever since I did drink from time to time but never went beyond that," she smiled at him, pouring them both a drink, taking her glass and raising it in the air. Negan followed her gusted leaning closer to her and making a toast.

"What happened next?", he asked her while finishing up his drink.  
"What makes you think something more happened?"  
"Call it a fucking hunch, doll. Please indulge me."  
Alice looked at him like she was trying to decide will she continue or not, will she run away or stay, the hell with it, she got this far, might as well make it to the finish line.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The past can't be changed, can it? It can just be forgiven." ― Elizabeth George

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted both chapters today because I won't be able to post anything on Monday, as I usually do. Hope you like this one.  
> One Friday I will start the new story, again with double chapter, so if you want to stay tuned subscribe on the series :)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: This work of fiction is base on a story and character created by creators, producers, writers etc of "WALKING DEAD" TV series and the comic books, with exception of my few original characters. No money is being made and no copyright or infringement is intended.
> 
>  
> 
> Negan's story is relied on what I know from comic books, I can't get them where I live, so it is basically what I had a chance to google, so if any of you don't want it spoiled or anything like that, I will mark the beginning and the end of it so you can just skip that part.
> 
> The song at the end is: Johnny Cash- Ain't no grave

"I got out of rehab when I was almost twenty-four, so you can say that this shit and that shit was pretty close. It took me around six months to manage enough courage to go home and visit my family, I got into my truck and just drew there, I still remember seeing my mother face when she opened the doors with me standing outside," Alice smiled shaking her head.

"She didn't recognize me, man! Hahaha, my own fucking mother didn't recognize me. She was standing there for whole two minutes scanning me, hahaha, man I could feel her brain overheating while trying to figure out, why is something telling her that she should know the woman standing right in front of her," Alice stood up, walking to the window and glancing at the moon, she was silent for a long minute, just looking up at the sky, then she slightly turned around to look at Negan who was watching her not making a sound, waiting for her to continue.

"How could I blame her man, she didn't see me for six fucking years, I didn't have any right to expect of her to recognize me in the minute, I didn't have any fucking right to ask that of her, and still I fucking did," she shook her head in disapproval while turning to the window again.

"I was pissed at her just standing there, looking at me with her perfect shiny green eyes and her fucking perfect long red hair, standing at her perfect fucking doorstep, wearing long flowery dress, looking like a fucking princess that just came out of fairytale, just standing there looking at the only imperfect thing she had in her life, and not fucking recognizing it. She didn't fucking recognize me, man! "

Alice said with a bit louder voice, trying to fight away the tears that were not starting to burn her eyes, trying to break free, she felt arms locking around her waist pulling her closer. Negan was now standing behind her, looking at her reflection in the glass, remaining silent and waiting for her to continue.

" 'It's me Alice, mom.' I told her. 'Alice, who?', she didn't remember she even had an Alice in her life. 'Your daughter mother ', and then it hit her, she wrapped her hands around me pulling me into firm embrace and she started to cry, collapsing in front of my feet, hugging my legs," Alice continued, keeping her eyes wide opened not blinking, like she was traveling in her mind to that place and time and voicing everything she saw there.

" 'My sweet Alice is back', she wept, kissing my knees still not getting up, and me, I was just looking down at her and all of the sudden I didn't felt a thing man, not one damn thing. What kind of monster doesn't fell at moment like that, Negan, please tell me what kind of monster you have to be not to feel your fucking heart breaking at a sight of a woman who gave you your fucking life, crying and shaking like a baby, while knowing it is your fault she is like that, What kind of a fucking monster just stands there, looking at her, not even reaching down to hug her, when just a minute ago that was the only thing it wanted to do? Fucking tell me, Negan, what kind of a monster am I?", she turned around, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him, demanding the answers he did not have.

"I don't fucking know, doll, I wish I did, but I don't, I fucking don't know," he told her while pulling her in a hug and squeezing her as tightly as he could. It took her five minutes to stop shaking, they just stood there in silence, for a long time, she broke away from his embrace and took a sit on the same spot she was before, taking now half empty bottle of Whiskey and taking a sip right out of it, completely neglecting the full glass sitting right next to her.

"Finally I found my voice and called for her, telling her to get up, I just placed my hands on her shoulder and tapped them," she laughed at the memory, Negan came to her, sitting on the coffee table, he placed his index finger on her chin lifting it up.

"You don't have to continue doll, not if you don't want to."  
"I don't want to, but I have to, please, bear with me for a little while longer," she cocked her head to her left, with pleading expression on her face.  
"This is hurting you, Alice. I don't like seeing you hurt."  
"It always hurts, Negan, there is not a day that passes where it doesn't hurt. But I need to tell it someone and you are the first one I can speak to."

Negan sighed, looking at her, trying to read her expression, trying to figure out is it wise to let her bring all those memories out or not, but before he could even form a question in his mind, she started to speak again, after taking another sip out of the bottle.

"She led me into my house; I didn't recognize it, new furniture, new wall paint, everything new, even a new husband. Oh, that one was fucking hard to swallow, but it was something I had to do. Later that day my brother came, he was still living in the house, having his own apartment above the garage. I asked them about their life, they told me the truth, they asked me about my own life, I lied, until no one could ignore the big elephant standing in the room, that one big question, 'Why haven't I come home sooner?', and fuck, I didn't have an answer to that, no ever a good lie. I told them I don't know and fuck it man, they forgave me, they fucking forgave me without me even asking for their forgiveness. I was there for two weeks, the bow you see me carrying, my brother gave it to me, he told me he bought it years ago as a welcome back present, leaving it in my room to wait for the day I will come home. But the thing was, that was not my home anymore, so I left again, leaving the bow there as a promise that I will come back to pick it up and just like that I was gone. It was ok after that we talked a lot, I was fixing some computers for people, they would pay me, I had my social care check, life was looking better and better, Until one day, my mother called me, telling me about some weird virus going around, asking me to come home, to be with them, while the crises is over, but I told her not to worry, that I'll be fine, and that it was just government making a fuss out of nothing again. After two weeks, that old lady that saved me tried to kill me while I was coming home, she died in her apartment and turned, I pushed her down the stairs and run past her, not even turning around to get my stuff, I took my truck and drove home. It took me two fucking days to get there, with all the road block and patrols, people started to panic and everyone was running, but no one knew where they were running to or from what. All we knew was that we need to keep our distance from sick people and if they attack us to aim for their head," Alice sighed, taking the orange she peeled a while ago and starting to eat it, giving a few pieces to Negan who was still sitting on coffee table in front of her listening.

"When I finally reached home, the doors were opened, I assumed they already left but I decide to get into the house to look around and get some food, when I reached the top floor, I heard a noise coming from my mother's room, I came and slowly opened the door, at that moment something came at me, I was pushed against the wall hitting my head hard, I extended my arms trying to keep the attacked away, I hear a growling sound and in that second I opened my eyes and saw my mother coming at me, trying to kill me, She had a bite wound on her neck, I pushed her and run out of the room and directly to the kitchen, I found a knife there and went back up, she was in the hallway, turning around herself, not being sure where to go. Then she saw me and started to run in my direction, I just threw the knife at her, it went right in her right eye and she collapsed, dead. I fucking killed my mother, that was two out of two when it comes to parents, now that my man is one fucked up end to a family. I went back to my room and found my bow lying there on the bed, I picked it up and went to see is my brother up at his apartment, when I got there I found him lying there, with the knife in his head and blood around his mouth, I could only assume what happened there, at that moment everything went dark, I lost people I loved again and all because I was too slow and too stupid to come home in time and maybe, just maybe save them, with that thought every issue I had before resurfaced again, but I didn't have any drugs or alcohol this time I had to fight for survival, and if there was one thing my dad thought me then it was how to survive, it was like he was preparing me for this life since the very beginning. Who knows maybe he knew what was coming, maybe he just had a hunch, but everything he thought me kept me alive and in some way he saved my life. He saved a life of a person that killed him. That is just fucking sad, man."

"What about your step-dad?", Negan finally spoke.

"Don't know, I never found him, maybe he is alive, maybe not, fuck if I care."

When she was done she looked at Negan, he was sitting there on the table looking at the floor. She was expecting his judgment, expecting of him to chase her away or to embrace her, she was ready for anything except the thing she got after he spoke.

* * *

**_Negan story_ **

"I was married before", he looked at her, "I was a really shitty husband, oh doll, it there was a reward for something like that, I would win without the competition every time. She loved me, she fucking loved me more than anything in this world, and I cheated on her, made her feel small, made her feel like she was not enough and still she stayed, never thinking about leaving me, not once even mentioning it, and she knew it all, every woman I fucked, when I fucked them, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew how I fucked them, " Negan took a bottle from Alice and tugged it down, taking five long sips out of it, then looking at Alice with a broken expression on his face

"Her name was Lucile," Alice tensed at that looking at the bat resting on in the corner of the room. Negan look at the same direction, smiling, he stood up and walked towards that same corner, looking down at it.  
"Not long before this shit went down, she was giving me a lecture about good behavior, after I scared the shit out of some neighbor kids before she collapsed before my feet, we called 911 and they took her to hospital, that is when we found out she was sick, cancer, and that she didn't have a long time to live. Alice, doll, I made her sick, it was all my fault. "

Negan turned around looking at Alice, with eyes full of tears, but he didn't hold them back like she did, they were running down his face like a rain, sliding down his throat and disappearing behind the tip of his white shirt. Alice stood up in a second, and within three long steps was at his side, hugging his as tightly as she could, running her fingers through his hair. She wanted to say something to make him feel better, say that is it a fucking stupid idea that he could give someone cancer, but she kept her mouth shoot remember all the times somebody told her that is was not her fault the way her father died and remember all the times she told them they could shove their fucking opinion up their asses.

"I manned up then, left my mistress at the time and just become devoted husband I should have been in the first place, but it was fucking too late, doll, I was losing her, and in that moment I realized that she was big, that she was brave and she was enough, fuck she was more than enough, but what good were those words to a dying woman," he continued, after leaving her's embrace and looking at the bat, resting there.

"She was in the hospital taking her last breath when doctor came yelling at me to get out, that the hospital is being evacuated, I told him to fuck off and leave me with my wife, and they did, they just left me there," Negan now walked passed her, turning his back on the bat and Alice, sitting on the sofa and tugging the Whiskey down, looking at the bottle before throwing it against the wall and smashing it.

Alice came to his side again, looking down at his hands trying to see if he had cut himself, he was looking down at her, wrapping her hand around her chin and lifting her head up to make her look at him.  
"I talked to her for hours, doll, and at that moment I heard people shouting, I looked out of the window and was bunch of patients around a car and a man in it screaming, then they just broke the window, pulled him out and started eating him, fuck it doll, they started to eat a living men,I fucking freaked out, I barricaded the doors and was trying to get my mind around what I just saw when I felt something moving behind me, I turned around and Lucile was looking at me, fuck I thought she came back to life, that these past months where just one sick joke and that she will be ok, but then I saw it her eyes were white and she was growling at me, like feral animal before she threw me on the ground trying to bite my neck, I pushed her away and stood up, pushed the table away from the door and run out of the room. I was at second floor when I saw two men attacking a kid, I just grabbed the fire extinguisher and smashed their heads, killing them, I didn't know what I was doing, when it was all done I looked down realizing I murder to people," Negan laughed at that.  
"How mundane it seems now what was such a big deal back then. The kid thanked me, and I asked him could he to the same thing to a woman I know, he said yes, and so I led him to Lucile's room and watched as he smashed the head of my wife."

When he finished the story Negan let go of Alice's chin, letting his hand fall on his lap, looking her in the eyes, he was silent now, waiting for her to process what he just told her.  
Alice was looking at him, cocking her head to the side and running her hand through his beard, he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes.  
"Aren't we one fucked up duo?", she finally spoke, it made Negan laugh, he hugged her and pulled her to sit with him on the sofa.

**end**

* * *

She was sitting on his lap, with her head resting on his shoulder, while her hand was still playing with his beard, she was watching him, the way he leaned into her touch, the way her eyes playing behind his eyelid.

"Why are you here?", he finally spoke, and she lifted her head up looking like someone just poured the bucket of cold water over her.  
"You want me to leave?  
"Fuck, what? No,", Negan run his hand over his face only now realizing how his question sounded, "I meant why did you join us? You didn't want to join any other group and now you are here with us, acting like you were here from the very beginning and don't get me wrong, I fucking love every minute of it. But why did you chose us?"  
"I didn't choose the group, I chose you."

Negan look at her, trying to figure out what is she trying to say, "but that was the worst possible option for you, doll," he looked down at the table, trying to avoid her questioning gaze.  
"What do you mean?"  
"I told you my story so you could see that I am as fucked up as you are, doll, I can't make things better, if nothing I could only make them worst. You'd be better off in Kingdom or somewhere like that, where you wouldn't be surrounded with fucking psychopaths, some place that would bring light and peace to your world. Fuck doll, you deserved it more than anyone and that is something I can't give you. "

Alice looked at him, furrowing her eyebrow, her eyes were filled with tears again and her lower lip was starting to shake, "are you telling me to leave?", and after voicing that question her entire body started to shake, she was having a panic attack, she was choking, waving her hand trying to catch some air that somehow refused to come into her lounges.  
She stood up from his lap and started pacing around the room, from one end of the wall to another, running her hand through her hair and pulling it down, mumbling something incoherent, Negan panicked, looking at her, not sure what to do.

"Alice,.." he called, "Alice,…" nothing, "Alice!" he yelled and that made her stop, she looked at him, her eyes were red, her lip was still shaking and she wasn't voicing a word, just standing there looking at him, opening and closing her mouth like a fish that was just pulled out of the water.

He finally stood up, wrapping her arm around her and pulling her as close as he could to his chest, she was shaking like a leaf on the wind.  
"Fuck it doll, no, I don't want you to leave. I am one shellfish old bastard, I forbid you to leave. I know someplace else would be better for you that was all I was trying to say, but fuck it I will first die than let you go there," she broke away from his embrace, looking him in the eyes and bringing her hands close to his face and running it through his beard.

"There is no place better for me than here," her voice finally found the way out, it was weak and raspy but it was there, "I don't need the sun to lighten my life, fuck it, I don't want to look at the ruins of what I once had, I need the moon to light a way out of, without punishing me with memories. I need this," she told him while pointing her fingers and him.  
He smiled at that, "well doll, you fucking got it."

They were both sitting on the floor now, wrapped around each other and leaning on the wall right beneath the windows passing a bottle of rum to one another, they looking like two wounded soldiers, resting after the battle of their lives, Alice was humming some old tune her mother would sing to her every time she was sick and Negan was resting his head on the wall, with his eyes closed.  
"I should probably go now, it's getting late and you need to rest."

Negan slowly opened his eyes, not responding in the second, just looking up at the ceiling, "will you be my wife doll?", he finally spoke, not looking at her.  
Alice chuckled at that, sitting up from his chest and turning to look at him, "how many times will you ask me that?"  
"As long, as it fucking takes for you to say, fuck yeah."  
"I tell you what, you keep asking and maybe one day I will say, fuck yeah."  
"And when will that day come, doll?"  
"The day I will know you are safe or the day you will let your wife tag along on every trip you take, no matter how dangerous it is."  
"So basically on my death bed?"

Alice's face darkened, she took his face in her hand and made him look at her, speaking in low menacing tone, while keeping her face only inch away from his, "don't you ever say something like that, ever again."

He was taken aback at this, not being used to people speaking to him like that or order him around, especially not her.  
"I will pretend that what you just did, didn't happen and that you didn't fucking tell me what to do, do you hear me?", he was now the one threatening her, they looked like the two predators, competing to see, who is the stronger one, who will dominate and who will submit. And then in a moment, they both burst into laughter, they laughed so hard the tears started running down they cheeks. Alice looked up at Negan and kissed him, before standing up and going towards the door.

"This was really nice evening boss, thank you. See you tomorrow."  
"Alice, doll, wait?" Negan called for her while getting up himself.  
"Yes, boss."  
"Next time Simon goes to Hilltop I want you to go with him?"  
"Hilltop? Why?"  
"I want you to get the know the communities we are dealing with, you will need it if you are to be good left hand. After that, I am planning to send you and a few runs when we go and meet people from Kingdom as well."  
"If you say so, boss. Good night," she smiled as she left the room.

When she came to her room that night, she saw a guitar laying on her bed, she picked it up as she was sitting down and placed in on her lap, caressing the smooth surface of the instrument and looking at her dim reflection on it. It as the first time ever she saw her mother in it, saw her look in her eyes, her nose, her lips, her red hair falling around her face, and she smiled. She never felt so much at peace as she did that night, like all the years were lifted away from her shoulders, she still felt guilty for everything she has done and all the people she had hurt, but somehow, the guilt was now there just to remind her that she must do better this time around and not to smother her. The guilt became her friend, for the first time in her life. She took her guitar and started to silently sing

_"….Well meet me, Mother and Father…Meet me down the river road…And Mama, you know that I'll be there…..When I check in my load…Ain't no grave…Can hold my body down…There ain't no grave…Can hold my body down."_


End file.
